Take Off the Mask

After the suicide of Robin Williams, the media has given much attention to the issues of depression and suicide. Although I am deeply saddened by the means of his death, I am comforted in the fact that our society has been made aware of the unseen hurt in those around us.

I don't think the average American could have estimated the suicide of a successful actor and comedian. This just goes to show that depression can happen to anyone; anyone can hurt deeply enough to want to end his or her life, and anyone can put on a mask to hide his or her true suffering. But as in Robin Williams's case, a mask can be the most dangerous weapon.

With my own chronic pain, I have seen signs of the side effect of depression. I have experienced the feeling of hopelessness to change my situation. I have been tempted with the thought of giving up in my effort to overcome my pain. But by the grace of God, I have not been consumed (Lamentations 3:22). 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it." And with the joy of the Lord as my strength, I am now empowered to fight off any feelings of depression or hopelessness.

Although I am no longer struggling in this area, I believe that my struggle would have diminished had I removed my own mask. My mask is that of busyness. I tried to trick myself and other people into thinking I was fine by keeping busy. But the weapon of the mask was killing me on the inside.

Taking off my mask and revealing my hurt to others would have given me emotional healing more quickly. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The urgent request of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect." Healing comes in admitting your weaknesses to a body of believers who team up to present your request to God. Being ashamed or embarrassed of your struggles doesn't help you in any way. Don't keep your feelings hidden; take off the mask.

Humility

Humility is not an innate characteristic to humanity. However, it can be developed through admitting one's own weaknesses or through praising the strengths of another. God has placed me in situations in which I could employ either method to humble myself.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul discusses both ways to learn humility. He states in verse seven, "Therefore, so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so I would not exalt myself." What is not widely known is that this verse actually begins with the phrase "especially because of the extraordinary revelations." Before Paul begins to explain his "thorn in the flesh" that leads him to admit his own weakness, he describes a vision that expresses the greatness of God. I myself have been blessed with humility lessons in the form of a "thorn in the flesh" and a vision that expresses the greatness of God.

The following is a journal entry about an event that occurred approximately a month before my foot pain began.

"10/2/10

"August 5th. Four days before school started. I had been walking away, but just a few weeks before, I was closer than ever. But that night changed my life. So, yes, it was a vision from God--not about the future. It was more of an illustration of the plan of salvation, sort o like watching a movie in my head. So here's what happened: I was confessing sin to God, and it started.

"I 'saw' myself; it was like when you're having a dream and you can't see yourself, but you know it's you. Also like the Transfiguration where Peter recognized Moses and Elijah without being introduced. In viewing 'myself,' I saw red pain (or possibly blood) mark a 'no' sign. Then an X over me appeared in the same way. The next thing I knew, I was being put up on a cross to die. I yelled, 'No! No!' (I think I remember saying, 'Someone help me! Please!') Then, from the crowd around me, Jesus stepped out. Again, it was like recognizing Him without seeing His face or being introduced. And Jesus said to the people responsible for crucifying me, 'Let Me take her place!' Then, those men talked to each other, saying, 'What has He done wrong?' 'Blaspheme. I heard Him claim to be the Son of God.' (I think I remember hearing 'Crucify Him!' from the crowd and group of men.) So I was released off the cross. (I hadn't been nailed on yet.) As soon as I was released, a group of people nailed Jesus to the cross. I couldn't handle the pressure of the situation, the fact that an innocent stranger just gave up His life for me, so I ran in the opposite direction, yelling, 'No! No!' Then, a group of friends came up to me, saying things like, 'I heard about what happened to you. Are you okay?' I don't remember exactly how I responded, but I started bragging about getting MYSELF off the cross! I didn't even mention Jesus! All around me, in the place I lived, was complete darkness. Then I turned around and saw Jesus come off the cross by Himself. (I think it was pretty gory.) He came running to me, saying, 'Emily, I've been looking everywhere for you!' At that point, my friends left with disgusted looks on their faces. Jesus told me, 'Come on! Climb on My back!' (I think He was panting from exhaustion and pain.) I replied, 'But Jesus won't that hurt you?' But before I finished, He yelled (but not forcefully), 'It's the only way!' Then He was definitely panting. I hesitated but said, 'Alright,' and I got on His back like having a piggy-back ride. Everything changed; all around me was light with no hint of darkness. I saw a road, and at the end of the road was God [the Father]. There is no way to describe how God looked, but the light was brighter and spread out. It was like not being able to point to God because He can't be contained. The road represents my growth/journey with Christ. And Jesus Christ, my Savior, carried me along the road closer to God. And there the vision ended.

"Now how do I know that this was from God? Well, first of all, while I was 'watching' the vision, I was talking to God personally about it. And I remember Him 'telling' me to focus. Secondly, it has Scripture references, such as 'It's the only way!' (John 14:6). And lastly, so many points can be taken from the vision that it could only be from God. I know it was not me because my mind could NEVER come up with anything like this! Oh, and another reason to know it was a God-thing: after seeing it, I grew closer to God. And every time I 'watch' what my brain remembers from it, I recognize how wonderful God is once again.

"I hope that anyone who reads this will grow closer to God from it."

So about a month before my pain began, God revealed to me supernaturally His greatness. And the same Holy Spirit that spoke to me in this way lives inside of every person who is a follower of Christ.

Chronic Pain- Start at 3:51

Inexpressible and Glorious Joy

If you watch the video above, you will be exposed to the power of chronic pain over emotions. Watching this entire video led me to understand why my pain seems to take over every part of my life. The biggest takeaway I got from the video was the concept of retraining the brain. By avoiding fear with each step on my hurt foot, I can potentially lessen the amount of pain I experience.

Similarly, I need to retrain my brain to avoid the negative perception I have of my pain. I've previously mentioned the difficulty I have in taking my first step each morning. Usually the fear I have towards that first step of the morning, keeps me in bed with a sense of discouragement. I've prayed countless times to be given the strength--both physical and emotional--to get out of bed. I realize now that "the joy of the Lord is [my] strength" (Nehemiah 8:10).

1 Peter 1:5-9Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

5 You are being protected by God’s power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 You rejoice in this,[a] though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials 7 so that the genuineness of your faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in[b] praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 You love Him, though you have not seenHim. And though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 because you are receiving the goal of your[c] faith, the salvation of your souls.[d]

I also need to retrain my brain spiritually; my question needs to change from "God, why have You caused me so much pain?" to "God, why have you been so good to me?" He has given me freedom from the bondage of sin and the opportunity to spend forever in His presence! Why then do I feel I am entitled to immediate healing? Jesus Himself underwent physical suffering "for the joy that lay before Him" (Hebrews 12:2). Because He saw the prize of our souls, He was willing to pay the price for them. If Jesus can experience joy in physical pain, so can I.

My goal is to retrain my brain from seeking joy despite my circumstances to seeking joy IN my circumstances.

Misplaced Hope

Romans 5:2-5Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

2 We have also obtained access through Him by faith[a] into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance,4 endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. 5 This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

As I mentioned in my last post, pain has a specific purpose, which can often be preparation for uplifting others in the future. But we can also see from this passage in Romans that pain is for our own benefit; pain produces endurance, proven character, and hope that will not disappoint.

"This hope" that comes from God will not disappoint because God is for us, and He is faithful. However, there is a hope that disappoints us--a misplaced hope.

Here's what a misplaced hope looks like:

• You buy a new car to impress your friends. When you get behind on your car payments, you can't afford to spend money out with your "friends," whom you tried to win over with your pride and joy.

You misplaced your hope in possessions.

• You neglect your lifelong friends and family, in order to spend time with (the new) love of your life. So when you find out that he doesn't value you as much as you value him, you realize that you built your own bridge between yourself and the ones who actually cared for you.

You misplaced your hope in relationships.

• You move your family to a new location to get a raise for your job. Weeks later, the company cuts back your hours. Now you are making less money than when you were surrounded by family, friends, and a strong local church.

You misplaced your hope in wealth.

• Your parents divorced. Your ex is spreading rumors about you. Your grades are dropping. You figure that the only way things won't go wrong for you is if you end your life.

You misplaced your hope in death.

Here's what my misplaced hope looked like:

• After three years of pain, I decided it was time for some different treatments. Successful treatments that would rid me of my pain forever. I made my mind up to try one specific treatment, and I anticipated it for months. When the day finally came for the treatment, my parents and I drove (early in the morning) to the doctor's office, which we left shortly after. For several reasons, we determined that this treatment would not be most effective at the time and place. I was so upset with God for not relieving me of my pain through this treatment.

I misplaced my hope in medical treatment.

Had I placed my hope in God, I never would have considered that treatment. A few months ago, I found out that the treatment would have caused a tremendous amount of pain and could have messed up my ability to walk for the rest of my life. Ultimately, God knows best, even when I don't understand.

Because God has already given me salvation from my sins, I can trust Him for my eventual healing.

"He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us. We have put our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." 2 Corinthians 1:10

Who's the Dictator?

"Pain demands to be felt." The Fault in Our Stars has recently put this quote on my mind. This quote makes me imagine pain to be a dictator. Over the past few years, pain has been my dictator that places restrictions on my ability to experience life to the fullest. As a result, I have spent my time searching for the protagonist in my life.

In Kyle Idleman's book Gods at War, he states, "When someone or something replaces the Lord God in the position of glory in our lives, then that person or thing by definition has become our god." A desire for physical comfort is a natural desire. However, my pursuit of comfort has overruled my pursuit of God frequently. Therefore, I have been worshipping the god of all comfort.

The god of all comfort was not to be found in treatments. Not  in a boot, not on crutches, not in therapy, not even in surgery. The god of all comfort left me wanting. He got my hopes up for nothing. He reduced my hope for relief to nearly nothing. The god of all comfort tells me each morning to stay in bed--the only place where my pain is truly limited--and to avoid the unnecessary discomfort of stepping into a world with hurt and without hope.

On the other hand, the God of all comfort makes Himself available to us.

2 Corinthians 1:3-10Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

3 Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our affliction,[a] so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so through Christ our comfort also overflows. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is experienced in your endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that as you share in the sufferings, so you will share in the comfort.

8 For we don’t want you to be unaware, brothers, of our affliction that took place in Asia: we were completely overwhelmed—beyond our strength—so that we even despaired of life. 9 Indeed, we personally had a death sentence within ourselves, so that we would not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us. We have put our hope in Him that He will deliver us again

The god of all comfort's intention is to get my hopes up. The God of all comfort's intention is to be a foundation for my hope (v. 10) and to cause a ripple effect in others (vv. 6-7). God doesn't want me to be comfortable and complacent; He wants me to find my strength in Him.

The question is who dictates your life: the god of all comfort or the God of all comfort?

Oceans

The song "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United has become a widely popular worship song. Christians worldwide have been inspired to pray for a "trust without borders." This is, without a doubt, one of the most dangerous prayers I have ever prayed. But it has also proved to be one of the most liberating.

In my first post, I introduced the similarity between Peter's experience of walking on water and my own story. Peter took his first step out of the boat with the faith that Jesus wouldn't let him sink to rock-bottom. But when the fear that the storm would send him to rock-bottom crept into his mind, he didn't want to doubt the storm's power. So he confirmed it by looking around at the storm. But in looking around at the storm, he doubted Jesus' ability and deprived himself of the peaceful assurance that Jesus would carry him through the storm. Peter's desire to envision the worst-case scenario began to bring about the worst-case scenario. BUT JESUS STILL CAME THROUGH. After Jesus had proven Himself to Peter countless times, Peter still doubted. Even then, Jesus still answered his cry for help.

Peter's intention when he stepped out in faith was not to be put in danger. Essentially, he put himself in danger by taking his eyes off Jesus. But Peter's experience outside of the boat, no doubt, lessened any doubt of Jesus possibly failing him.

When Jesus called me out of my literal comfort zone into one of pain, I didn't really have a choice but to leave my comfort zone, unlike Peter. My opportunity to choose came with my response to pain. I could be like Peter and be overwhelmed by the trouble surrounding me, or I could get so wrapped up in the presence of Jesus that I forget my unfavorable circumstances. Throughout my journey, I have taken both of these routes, with the first choice occurring more frequently. But no matter what I have chosen as my response, Jesus will always come through in His unending faithfulness.

"The great unknown, where feet may fail" is the place of complete dependence on and intimacy with Jesus. Although my step out of the boat brings me closer to the storm, it also brings me closer to Jesus, which is His intention in calling me out upon the waters.

The turning point of my prayer life occurred after hearing this statement: "Sometimes we ask God for a life vest when He wants us to walk on water." Instead of praying for God to meet MY need in MY timing, I began to pray that He would have His way in the situation. And "His way" consisted of my continual growth in my trust in Him, "where my trust is without borders."